What do I do with a laptop carcass?
- Mood:
crushed
I meet with my VA voc rehab counselor yesterday and met her replacement. They said if I have to take a fail it's ok and I won't be penalized other than having to retake the class. They also are going to try to get me pushed into system at the VA hospital so I can go back on depression meds. I've been off the meds for 3 yrs but the operation and getting constantly sick, school pressure, job pressure and my mom's illness have all combined to bring it back along with the anxiety crap. I can deal with the depression-been doing for 10 yrs. It's the other I can't work around and is now causing the most and worst problems for me. I have the military to thank for it. I have a premant chemical imbalance because of going through long term pain without proper care. By the time they started treating me properly for the injuries it was to late and a premant change had happened. Doc's said when you are in pain your body gives off certain chemicals and they interfere with other chemicals causing depression etc. If it goes on to long the pain chemicals do something to the receptors in the brain and they can no longer take the proper chemicals so the premant imbalance. It sucks but can be worked around. the big A can't. If it's not one thing it's another.....
So I turned in graduation application and the 11 bucks even though I'm not sure I can get the work caught up. I'm hopefull, otherwise I'll have to wait till august. I also went to financial aid and showed them that my incomplete from last quarter were finally changed to grades and would you please release my money so I can pay my rent. One of my last quarters teachers just changed the grade. I had to keep hounding him but it was finally done. The work was turned in and graded weeks ago so I was just waiting on him the update the grade book. Well it's done. They said to check back with the cash office wed or thur and it should be there. Hopefull it is. The VA pays my tuition and my crappy part time job pays enough for me the eat and buy gas as long it's ramen and the cheapest fuel I can find. The aid check pays for 3 months rent on my tiny apartment.
Finally I went to see the counselor on campus my VA counselor told me to go to as he can help me while I wait for the hospital and he can help set up make-ups. He apparently doesn't work on fridays so I have an appointment monday.
So, maybe progress. Not alot but some. It's a start.
- Mood:
cranky - Music:Lets go crazy
I finished beta'ng a start to a story today for a new writer. It wasn't a bad concept but the way it was written sucked. I ended up pointing out a ton of things that don't work, can't work and somethings that would work if done differently , along with how things could be done. I gave them alot of suggestions and offered to help as a sounding board etc so they could make the story work but I am thinking they hate me now because I was honest even thought I did say I would be happy to work with them. It seems my recent story sucks but I've been doing alot of beta work lately and have had no complants and lots of kudos. So I my not be any good writting any more but I can help others get it right. I thought I was as polite as I could be while telling them they need to rework things but I am thinking they still took it wrong. Ah well. Just another sucky thing to go along with the rest of the sucky day.....
- Mood:
depressed - Music:take it on the run
SGA story for SGA flashfiction 'Must Be Dreaming' Challenge
Title: Promises to keep
Author: Bluetoads
Word count: 1,962
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: None
Spoilers: 4x20 Last Man
Notes: Ronon, Team, gen. Not beta’d.
Summary: The whispers follow him as he races through the halls
I
The day is warm with just enough of a breeze to keep you from getting too hot. The sky is a crystal clear blue without a cloud in it. The sun is a bright yellow globe shining down on us. It’s what Sheppard calls beach weather. Sheppard had decided it was a prefect day for team building and had rounded us all up and dragged us to the North pier for swimming, sunning and barbeque. The water is warm and I enjoy the warmth and salty tang while I swim off the pier. I‘ve been in the water about an hour now. Sheppard and Teyla joined me for a bit but they retreated to the pier a while ago. Teyla to lay in the sun and Sheppard to start the food. I stop swimming when my arms start to ache and just lay back into warmth of the water with my eyes closed. My back is to the others and I smile as I listen into my teammates talk. McKay is bitching about the sun and how much radiation we’re all getting and for god’s sake Sheppard put your shirt back on, do you want to die from cancer, here put this on I made it myself it’s SPF 100. Teyla asks if Sheppard needs any help with the food. Sheppard drawls for Rodney to relax and enjoy the sun, it’s good for you and if Teyla could pull out the plates that would be great. I hear Col Carter ask if anyone has a preference for music before something with a lot of drums starts up. Sheppard calls out to me to come on back, foods ready. I enjoy listening to my teammates bicker and play. We don’t have time to relax very often anymore and with the Athosians gone there are no more trips to the mainland. I know Sheppard misses the beaches. We haven’t made it to this planets mainland yet.
II
Then all sound stops. I hear nothing from behind me, not even the music. The water around me gets much warmer and feels thicker somehow and the salt tang is suddenly much stronger. It’s the smell that registers first. Once smelt, you never forget it. It lingers on the back of your tongue making you gag. I open my eyes and the sky overhead is no long blue but gray, solid gray and over cast. I look down into the water and it’s no longer blue. It’s deep red, the red of deep venous blood. The ocean has turned to blood. It clings to me in a way water can’t. I flip around and look to the pier. I see my team on the ground, unmoving. I quickly stroke to the pier and pull myself out of the ocean of blood leaving bloody hand prints and foot prints behind me on the metal of the pier. I reach Teyla first. She is laying on her blanket but is unmoving. As I reach her I see she has been fed on by a Wraith. All that is left is wrinkled skin and bone. I gentle bend down and touch her face. Her eyes pop open and she stares at me accusingly. Her lips move. I bend closer so my ear is almost touching her lips. She whispers, “You didn’t come, you left me and my baby to die. I trusted you, you failed me!” Then her body disintegrated into dust and blows away leaving me with dust in my eyes and the taste of ashes on my lips.
III
I stand and see Col Carter next. She is standing facing away from me looking toward the doors that lead inside. As I take a step towards her she turn to me. She reaches a hand out to me and says, “We trusted you, John trusted you. You failed us. You left Teyla, you left John. You gave up on us, why did you do that?” Then she bursts into flames. Her whole body a tower of flame, then she explodes in a blaze of light. I turn away and shield my eyes. When I turn back there is nothing left but a scorch mark on the metal of the pier where she had been standing a moment before and the redness on my skin from the heat..
IV
I turn toward where McKay had been sitting. He’s laying face down on the ground now, his arms and legs at odd angles. I rush to him and gentle turn him over. He’s a mess of cuts and slashes and blood, blood everywhere. He’s broken and bloody. His throat is slashed open and I know he’ll bleed out any minute now. I try to stop the blood from bubbling out of him with my hands but there’s too much. His eyes snap open and he stares at me accusingly. His lips move. I can’t figure out how he can speak at all. I barely hear him say, “You left me; you left us, look what happened! You promised Sheppard you’d keep us safe but you left us. Now look at us! You broke your promise, how could you do that to him? He trusted you.” Then the light fades from his eyes and he is gone, his body just fades away till it too is gone. All that is left is the blood on my hands. I back away, looking franticly around. McKay, Teyla, Carter. No Sheppard. Where the hell was Sheppard! I turn back to the water and its still blood. I turn back to the city and it’s floating in an ocean of blood. There are black birds circling the central tower. I race into the city and everywhere I look there are bones. Dried, yellowing bones. Everyone in the city is dead. The whispers follow me as I race through the halls trying to find Sheppard, trying to find anyone alive in a city that just that morning had hundreds of people in it. “You left us! You left us to die! How could you, you promised to protect us” Protect us and you promised seem to echo off the walls.
V
I round a corner near the control room and find the Wraith Sheppard called Todd standing in the middle of my path. He’s smiling. I ask, what are you smiling about? He, it laughs and says, “Sheppard trusted you. You made a promise to him and then you broke it.”
“It wasn’t like that!” I yell at the creature. He just shakes his head
“I made a promise to him too but I kept my promise as he did his to me. You don’t find it funny that I, his enemy, could keep my promise to him but you, his trusted friend and team mate, broke yours almost as soon as he turned his back? Who was more trust worthy humm?” Then the creature starts laughing and doesn’t stop. I pull my gun and blast the bastard away. He finally stops laughing as his body hits the floor dead and does not move again. His laughter still rings in my head.
I skirt the body and continue to the gate room. I find him there. He’s standing before the Ancestors ring, his back to me. He’s a slim black figure against the blue of the active ring. His hair is sticking up all over even worse than usual. He doesn’t move as I approach him. I say his name “Sheppard?” He turns at my voice. There’s something wrong but I can’t quite figure out what it is. He’s all in black with a long black duster and his black sunglasses. That must be it. I’ve never seen him in anything that long. He cocks his head at me and I see his left eyebrow wing up over the sunglasses. He drawls “Ronon”
“They’re all dead” I say.
“Whose fault is that Ronon?” he asks me. “You promised me you’d look after them but you left and now they’re all dead.” He shakes his head “You broke your promise Ronon.” He turns away from me back to the ring and takes a step forward.
I raise my hand to him and shout, “wait!” He stops and halfway turns back to me with another head tilt and eyebrow raise but doesn’t say anything. “You died Sheppard, you left first. I tried but I can do more out there.”
“I’m not dead Ronon. I didn’t leave.” He shrugs “I’m still here. You left me. You all left me.”
I shake my head no “No, you never came back. We looked but no one had any information on what happened to you. We thought you’d been taken but we never found anything. Then they said you had been lost in the ring and were dead.”
“I’m still here Ronon, you just aren’t looking in the right place.” He replies to me.
“How do I find you?” I see him give his trademark smirk toward me and then he says “you already know” Then he turns back to the ring and the lights start to go out. I hear the city shutting down around us with a sigh till there are no more lights and the only sounds heard is the ring and us. The only light left is the blue from the ring. It’s dark outside the stained glass windows behind the ring. I try one more time “wait” He half turns to me again and gives me a last head tilt and smirk. He brings his left hand up and pulls his sunglasses down a bit so he’s looking at me over the rim. I suck in a sharp breath at what I see and take an involuntary step back. His eyes are glowing green. Bright green, like new leaves. “It’s too late for that Ronon, much too late” He turns away then, letting his arm drop back to his side. As I watch his long black coat seems to part and it’s not a coat at all. It turns out to be large black wings. They spread and flex then with a powerful down stroke he shoots up in to the air. The jumper bay doors are open and I watch him fly out and away. Glowing eyes and black wings till it’s just me and the ring. I look back to the ring and see something on the floor before it. I bend down and pick it up. It’s a black feather and is about two feet long. I look up once more but there is nothing to see. He’s gone, the city is dead. I look around one more time then clutching the feather in my fist I step into the ring.
VI
I awake with a shout and tumble out of my cot on to the damp ground. My heart races and my breath is harsh panting. The tent flap opens and Direl my lieutenant sticks his head in and looks at me on the ground “You Ok?” he asks looking concerned. I can see dawn is just lightening the sky over his shoulder. It was a dream, just a dream and it’s time to get up anyways. “Yeah, bad dream” He nods at me not needing to say anything and withdraws letting the tent flap fall back into place. I start to push myself back up and stand when I feel my fingers brush something soft. I look down and there on the ground is a huge, glossy, black feather about the length of my forearm.
- Mood:
accomplished - Music:I won't go home without you
- Mood:
confused - Music:tainted love
I sent my SV plot to emily and what I have done so far on it. She had alot of good ideas but I'm not sure how to work them in. All her ideas are great but I think it's going to be a lot bigger story than what I was looking to do for my SV fic. May have to break it up into parts if I can get it written. Yes, I know. Instead of working on my SV fic I go and do a SGA fic.
Life wise, been sick for several days. I haven't been to work in a week. Tomorrow will be my first day back. I still feel like shit but I can't miss anymore work. I know it's only been 4 days I was scheduled to work but when you only work 4 days a week that's a pay check. I've had a headache for 3 days now and it's causing me to tense my neck and shoulder musecls so it makes the headache worse and around in a circle we go.
I went to campus today and spent an hour with one of my instructors trying to figure out what the hell I was suppose to be doing on some assignments. Ah well.
- Mood:
moody
I've been keeping up with the 2 mile walk everyday. It helps. The hardest part is getting myself to get out the door and start but once I start the walk I feel good. day 11 so far for walks.
Did get some good news today. The teacher that gave me an E and wouldn't let me turn in my final project relented and let me turn it in. I thought she was just going to critique it and tell me what I need to improve on etc for when I retake the class in the fall but she changed my grade to a C so I don't have to retake for missing 2 weeks. I'm pretty happy about it and it was a complete surprise to me that she decided to do that. I've got grades for 3 of my 4 classes from last quarter. An A-, B and C. Now I just have to get the final grade from the last instructor. It's kind of funny because I turned that work in almost a week before I turned in the others work so I would have thought it would be done first. Ah well. Looks like I may get to graduate in June this year. There are 2 classes I want to take after that that will give me my coding certificate thought so I won't be done with school just yet.
- Mood:
drained
Went back to the park this afternoon and did the 1 mile trail around the lake. I almost didn't go but after getting back from the campus bookstore I sat for a bit and then guilted myself into going. I wasn't sure about it at first as it started to rain as soon as I go out the door. But I decided to stick it out as I was out there already and the sky had light spots so I was hoping the sun would come out pretty quick. After about 10 minutes it did and then it was a nice walk. I figured out I walk a little over 2 miles totals from leaving my door to getting back. It took me 10 minutes to walk to the park and the start of the lake trail in the park then I timed myself at each marked quarter mile and found I was doing a nice pace of 4 minute quarter miles so I finished the trail in just under 20 minutes and walked home for another 10 minutes. Not bad. I need to do 2 miles at least 3 days a week so this works out perfect. Only problem I had was on the way out of the park my left ankle started giving me a hard time. When I got home I dug out my ankle brace and put it on and it feels fine now. I haven't had to wear the brace for almost 2 years so I wasn't happy but it's not bad.
- Mood:
cranky
Today I decided to go explore the park right down the street. I've been meaning to do it for awhile but never had the time or energy to do it. I spent about an hour and a half exploring it and there are still alot of off shoot trails I didn't do today. There is a nice 1 mile walk/run paved trail around a small lake and green plants all over. There are fensed dog areas and a really nice childrens play area along with sports area and several places to grill and picnic. It nice. I need the exercise so am going to make the time to go do the 1 mile trail 3 times a week. The parks open from 7:30 am-9pm so I don't have an excuse not to go. I really felt good when I finished my exploring so I know it's good for me. There were alot of birds around the lake to so it was neat. I saw flocks of red breasted robins which really means spring is here and then I saw at least 3 kinds of ducks and 2 kinds of what I think are some lind of loon or maybe erget. I think it's really going to be a pretty place when the brown of winter leaves and the green of spring takes over. I did see little patches of bright yellow daffadils to so it's nice. I did return a bit sweaty but it was still a good outing.
- Mood:
hopeful
Congratulations! Your story/artwork has been nominated for the SGA_Kink_Awards. Please feel free to visit the site at http://community.livejournal.com/sga_kin
I've only posted one story at this site and it was for last years valentine's day stalker challenge (Stargate Atlantis)
(Gosh has it really been that long!) so it has to be this one I did for lovelokest. It's called : 2 A.M. or thereabouts John/Rodney NC-17
http://bluetoads.livejournal.com/15430.h
I really needed this pick-me-up as I've been having a really shitty couple of months. This is SO COOL! Makes me want to start writing some more...........
- Mood:
creative
Took the cats to the vet monday afternoon. I wasn't happy about the drive or the bill but they needed to be updated on shots or I was going to be fined. I made it to the vet and thankfully it was a short visit so I could get home before I fell asleep or got sicker. All total I think I gone about an hour but it wiped me out.
Finally got registered for spring classes tonight and did my taxes. I just got my filer bank statement 1099 so had to wait to do them till that came.
For all the sleeping I am doing the last 2 weeks you would think I would be rested but I fee worse when I wake up than I did before falling asleep. Really hate being sick. Lose days to.
- Mood:
sick


- Mood:
anxious

- Mood:
busy
- Mood:
blah - Music:lost in the moment
If physical therapy is suppose be helping me and cutting down the frequency's of my headaches why am I having more headaches now? Gesh- I've had two bad migraines in the past 2 months. I hate those. I can feel them coming a day or so ahead of time then I'm hit with it and after anywhere from 8-24 hours later I end up with the shakes and my head will feel iffy, body shaky and I just overall feel fragile. That whole thing can last anywhere from a day after to 3 days after. The ironic part is I had a total of 3 migraines in the 12 years I was in the military. Then of course I seem to have a low level headache all the time now and it just flares ups. It is stressing me out big time. I just never feel well and the headache goes up and down all day. Heck tuesday I started crying because I couldn't find a parking space right away at the hospital. It only last a few minutes but the whole time I'm going 'what the heck?!' It came out of no where. I am thinking it is all the stress hitting me. Which may be why I am having such a hard time this quarter with school.
Almost finish the 2nd sock to the pair of socks I am knitting. Whee. I'll be happy to finish them so I can start a different pair. I really don't like how the colors of the yarn turned out. The blues, greens and purple striping area is fine- I like that part, it's why I bought the yarn- but there is also a red and white area in the yarn that makes me think of candy canes and also a yellow and red mix area that all I can think of is catsup and mustard mixed together. Ugh. Ah well.
Still haven't put any of my recent bunnies down on paper-or keyboard yet. Keep meaning to. Got to get them down so I can stop thinking about them at odd times.
- Mood:
grumpy
So not looking forward to getting up at 3 am tomorrow to go into work. Sigh.
On the up I finished another hat. Turned out nice. Must figure out how to post pics......
So now I have to ask myself:
A) Why did I think this pattern would look good on me?
and
B) What the Hell was I thinking when I picked this color for the socks??
Ok, so the knit pattern looks fine on the needle and in the finished sock. The problem comes when I put the sock on my foot. The pattern doesn't look all that great once on the foot. The picture of the pattern is just of the sock to so it's not on a foot either so I guess I can forgive myself for that mis-calculation. Now the color is another thing. I used Mon Dea Sassy stripes in Crayon. On the ball it looked to be fine and lots of blues and greens but when it's knit up the blues and greens I liked are in fact not the main colors of the ball and only happen very far apart. The color combo is not all that nice. I am now not real interested in finishing the 2nd sock for the pair now but then I'm left with one sock so I'm going to have to finish it sometime. The fact that I just don't like it is probly the reason I'm having such a hard time getting to work on finishing it and why I could so easliy drop it and go start on a new hat.
Ah well. Live and learn, live and learn......
Update 1/19/08: Heres the finished pair

- Mood:
cranky
- Mood:
busy

I decide to pull out a couple of my craft projects I put away before the last move. I found out I was a ball of yarn short for both projects. I ended up going out to see if I could find the yarn to replace the missing ball. I found a nice yarn shop a couple of miles from my new place. She carries the imported 'good' yarns. Stuff you see in magazines and it ranges from $4-$45 a ball. but she also offers classes in both knitting and crochet and has free social get togethers where you work on your projects and talk with other knitters and crocheter's. I decide to go to the monday night social and also bought a ball of nice sock yarn. I've never used real sock yarn before. The social was nice and there were alot of people there. I got to see some pretty wonderful stuff being done and got to see that alot of others buy the cheaper yarn from Micheals and such to. It was nice and a couple ladies helped me with the new sock yarn. I ended up having to get a pattern just for that yarn , but it was free so that was good. I also met a lady I use to go to Circle with when I was part of the wiccan circle on fort lewis. Ahe works there. Her husband finally retired. Stacy was nice and it was nice to see a familar face.
On the health front my back has been giving me aot og problems and pain and I can't seem to get rid of my cold. The cough is almost gone but I still have an iffy stomach and gi tract. I also have been having and almost constant neck pain and headache. I am just really tired all the time and just don't feel well. Ah well.
- Location:home
- Mood:
crappy - Music:take me the way I am
